School Is Starting

Hey.  Hope you're enjoying the last few weeks of summer!

Chances are you've been away from your regular academic setting, and your annual two-month break from the everyday routine has ended.  While you've still got some time to yourself, a preparation of emotional maturity is in order.

(1).  This year will be a thousand times better than last year - because I will be a thousand times better than last year.

(2).  I'm gonna have the best friend ever - me!

(3).  I'm gonna take every challenge that comes my way and crush it.  Win, lose, or draw, I'm gonna give it everything I've got!

(4).  People are going to say things that aren't nice, polite, or friendly, even on my best day.  What they say, even if it's aimed at me, cannot trigger any reaction from me.  Only I choose whether to react or not, and how.

(5).  People will have their own opinions of me no matter what I do or say, or don't.  None of those opinions are more important than mine.

(6).  I will accept the fact that some classes are difficult, some people are undesirable, and some situations are not good for me.  If I can't leave them, I'll overcome them.  If I can, they're gone!

(7).  There is a difference between diligence and perfectionism.  I will choose the one that is realistic.

(8).  I can feel upset, angry, or frustrated. But if I can't use these feelings to take action, then I can simply STOP these feelings.

(9).  I can be aware that the present is lacking.  And I can make the future better.

(10).  People can say, think, or feel any way they choose.  But they can't force me to do the same, or to feel ashamed for not being like them.  They also can't stay in my life if I don't want them.

This list is by no means limited to what's here.  You can add anything else you'd like.  You know yourself far better than I do.

Don't forget an apple for the teacher, lol! 

Keep It Together

Hey All!  Loving this warm weather or what?

One reason why bullying occurs is because bullies like the reaction.  If they get under someone's skin, offend someone, make someone angry, make someone sad, or just plain make someone uncomfortable, they chalk it up as a win.  They enjoy that.  That's a high-five, you-da-man, you-go-girl, scooooore kind of moment for them.

Is it wrong?  Yeah, it's deplorable!  Are they horrible for people for doing it?  Yes.  But is that the end of the story?  I think not!

Our first line of defense against bullying is to deprive them of this moment.  They are expecting an easy victory.  They expect to scare you, manipulate you, and ultimately rule you through your reactions.  Don't.

I'm not saying "just ignore them," as generations of mothers who had no clue about bullying have advised.  We all know that doesn't work.  We're not blind or deaf, as they might be tempted to insinuate.  We know they're there and we know we're there.  The idea is that their presence is not the source of fear and trembling that they think it is, and we're here to show them that.

Imagine their voice to be like a fly buzzing nearby.  It's not going to land on you, and it's not going to sting you.  Its presence is not worth your concern.

This may goad them to pushing harder, because they want that win.  They want their buds to think they're tough and cool, and they're not going to stop until they show them.  It's just talking, and it's not going to get in your way.

You have just demonstrated the first two lines of defense:  Refusal to Engage and Refusal to Communicate.  Most of the time, these will be the only defenses you will need.  However, after an exchange like this, depending on what they said, you have the option of referral to an adult authority figure.

Yes, I am going on record stating that reporting bullying to adult authority figures is the right thing to do.  We do not live in the post-apocalyptic world of the Mad Max movies.  We do not live in Old West, the jungle, or Lord Of The Flies.  We are also not in prison, although that may change for them one day.  They are not in charge of anything, and there is no rule saying you can't do this.

It is not a sign of weakness, helplessness, or being "gay," either.  If you were doing something like this, you actually would be disciplined because you were raised to behave.  They obviously weren't.  Accordingly, the authorities need to be made aware of it, and their behavior needs to be documented.  What the authorities choose to do with it may or may not influence your next few choices.

The point is, we don't show them.  We don't cringe, we don't crack, we don't flinch, and we don't mutter anything under our breath.  Instead, we keep it together.  When we're home, we can openly talk with those who care about us and address what's happening, but never expose yourself in the enemy's presence!

Need practice?  Start respecting yourself.  Recite the Four Pillars.  Tell yourself that you're somebody, and not a victim.  When that happens, you won't act like a victim.

That's all -- enjoy Sunday night!

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

Bruce Jenner

Hey All!  It's about that time again.

Chances are, this weekend you heard about Bruce Jenner's interview in which he explained that he is undergoing the transformation of becoming a woman.  He explained how it was something he had always felt, and how it was one of several reasons why he ended all of his multiple marriages.  Since I'm writing this blog for all youth that feels bullied, I think I need to weigh in on this issue as well.

If you're reading this blog, chances are more than likely that you're different from others.  And I don't mean the condescending, arrogant, and insulting "different" that the doctor used to describe Forrest Gump to his mother.  I mean the positive different that means you don't conform to what the "cool kids" say you should.  Well, Bruce clearly felt different for a long time, even though he did a good job of pretending he wasn't.  But is this really the best thing to do?

When you get bullied, if you're not careful, you lose faith in your identity.  You start believing that you're not acceptable just the way you are.  With all due respect to Bruce Jenner, he accepted this lie a long time ago, except in his case, it was a lie he told himself.

None of us can imagine what baggage he was carrying, even through his glory days as an Olympic champion.  But it was baggage that he loaded himself with.  He came to the conclusion that no matter he good he was, he would never be good enough as himself, and he sought to become someone else.  No matter what gender you are, this is not the road to take.

The best way to defeat bullying is to accept yourself, know yourself, and love yourself.  You adopt the Four Pillars as absolute truth:  I Exist, I Matter, I Belong, I Deserve.  To change your gender is to reject all that in favor of becoming someone you're not.

When you get down the heart of the matter, this is no different than wearing the clothes that the cool kids wear, talking the way the cool kids talk, and doing things that "all" the cool kids do just to be accepted by them.  Pretending to be someone else, or taking a radical, life-altering step to actually become someone else, is not a workable solution for anything.  All it does is change one set of expected norms, which you didn't want to follow, for another set of expected norms that you will be expected to follow.  It's just not possible to find yourself in all of that.

So those of you out there who are truly struggling with any type of idenity confusion, please seek counseling.  There may or may not be an adult authority figure who thinks Bruce Jenner's approach is right for you, but I certainly don't.  I think the better way is to be exactly who you are and to love yourself for it.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

DISCLAIMER:  The above post is not meant to insult, smear, disparage, or besmirch or reject those in the trans-gender community.  It is merely intended to explain why this practice is not answer to bullying.

The Rules . . . .

Hey All!

Since most of you are still in a school of some kind, and live with some kind of parent or guardian, there are some rules that you have to stick with.  Some of them may seem nonsensical.  Ridiculous.  Brainless.  Designed just to keep people stuck, powerless, and annoyed.

This isn't something you're happy to read, but at this point in your life, you need those rules.  You've learned a lot, but you haven't learned everything.  You have logical reasoning, but you lack worldly experience.  You may have common sense, but it's not as common as it will eventually need to be.

Yep, as frustrating as it truly is, if you truly care about your future, you'd better follow those rules.  While your "cool kid" counterparts probably don't, they make that choice at their peril, and not yours.  There are many temptations out there that "all the cool kids do" that the rules say you can't.  And they never seem to face cosequences for breaking those rules, do they?

Or don't they?

If you keep yourself clean, you prevent anything from sullying your character or reputation when you grow older.  You prevent the risks and pitfalls of engaging in this behavior from ruining your future.  You allow yourself to learn a few lessons in life the easy way, and not to attend what my mom once called "The School of Hard Knocks."

If you're interested in going to college, it's also a great way to avoid being rejected.  By the college of your choice.  I remember hearing, during my senior year of high school, that college admissions offices not only look at your grades and accomplishments, they also look at your school disciplinary record.  No, it is not your "permanent record," but it does get kept around long enough for colleges to ask for, and receive, them.  Let's not give them any red ink to see, shall we?

But does this mean you be a good little soldier the rest of your life?  Perish the thought!  Rather than rebel against the rules you hate, and fight battles that you'll never win, document what you see.  Take notes of why those rules you hate are wrong, stupid, and nonsensical.  And then when you graduate, both academically and emotionally, from your junior status, make it better.  Show them why they were wrong.  Tell them all about your better ideas.  And, oh yeah, an even better idea -- make something happen with it!

To be a leader, one must first be a follower.  But there will eventually become a point when we not only will, but must, stop being followers.  And your time will come, rest assured!

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

Happy Monday tomorrow, OK?

Stopping Bullying -- A Mission From G-D!

Hey Guys --

You're probably getting ready to go back to school now that spring break is over.  Depending on whether you belong to one of two or three possible religions, you saw examples of at least one man from another time standing up to bullying.

MOSES.

The Passover story recounts how Moses, an Egyptian nobleman, learned of his Hebrew lineage, aligned himself with his enslaved countrymen, and led their miraculous escape from slavery.  Before he became that leader, he completely severed himself from any favor he once had with the Egyptian rulers, specifically by killing an overzealous taskmaster.  Not the easiest thing in the world, and probably not the result he intended, but he rejected his own class to put a stop to the brutal beating of a slave, something he seemingly gave no benefit from doing.

Imagine if more of that happened today?  Not murdering, of course, but what if more people broke rank to take a stand against bullying?  What if every bullying session was interrupted with "leave him alone, what's your problem?"  What if all those people standing around watching changed their usual line from "I'm not getting involved" to "we don't do that here?"

We can't make them do that, of course.  Not everyone is bold enough to step up, and way too many of those "innocent bystanders" are "friends" with the bullies.  But maybe you can take that stand instead!

Seeing someone getting attacked, harrassed, accosted?  Speak up.  Step in.  Don't be turned aside by threats, because remember, they have no authority.  And if they end up trying to threaten you, then you, and the personal initally being victimized, can both go to the proper adult authorities with what happened.  Most importantly, you'll have a friend for life!

Moses went from being a spoiled prince, to being a marked man, to being the spiritual leader of a whole nation of former slaves.  Not an easy gig, but not a bad gig either!  Think where you can go with that kind of courage!

JESUS.

The Easter story tells of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.  A carpenter was called upon to fulfill his role as a Chosen Savior predicted by prophecy, and he went about it the best way he knew how.  He preached what he knew was true, in doing so, he risked great peril from many sources.  A lot of people called him a fraud and an enemy.  Many people saw him as a threat and a rebel, and threatened him. 

But no matter what he faced, whether it be insults, or even violence, he never gave up.  He never toned himself down or kowtowed to anyone who oppressed him.  He was brave, fearless, and indefatigable because he spoke what he knew was true, and was simply not concerned with the reaction this truth would bring.

Whether you're a Christian or not, this is another perfect example to emulate.  Be brave.  Do not let them intimidate you.  Stand up for yourself.  Especially because most of those "innocent bystanders" I described above will do nothing to help you.  Don't blame them for being weak, be strong instead!

And by the way, you'll notice I did not say resort to violence.  Jesus didn't do very much of that at all, and that's what eventually got him even more respect.  Just believe in yourself enough so that nothing they say or do will make you sad or upset.  And then go to the proper adult authorities, and give them a chance to prove that they're really in charge.  In future posts, I'll discuss what to do when this fails.

DISCLAIMER:  The above blog entry was not intended to malign, besmirch, impugn, or condemn any religious practices, creeds, or beliefs.  Any offense experienced by the reader of this message is entirely the responsibility of that reader, and not its author.

Who's In Charge Here?

This is my first substantive post for the teenagers and college students out there.  How appropriate, because it all begins with you.

When you are bullied, you start believing things that aren't true.  You're not cool enough, not man enough, not good enough to respect.  But the biggest lie of all that they feed you is that you have no power or control over anything.

They want you to think you don't have the power to say no.  They want you to think that your decisions don't mean anything.  And they definitely want you to believe that they can make you do anything they want you to do, whether you agree or not.

I'll tell you a secret that you already know:  You have a lot more power than they want you to think you have.  The fact that they open their mouth does not mean you have to listen to them.  The fact that they may be stronger than you physically does not mean that they will permanently disable you.  And the fact that they're disrupting you, harrassing you, and trying to intimidate you now does not mean that they have carte blanche to continuing doing it anytime.

If you are under the age of 18, you answer to adult authority figures.  That means parents or guardians, teachers, coaches, advisors, and clergy.  That does NOT include anyone your age, or anyone who is also a student at your school.  No power, no authority, no juice.  And if they act like they do, they're lying.

You don't disobey, talk back to, argue with, or disrespect adult authority figures.  But if anyone in your age group begins addressing you as if they are an adult authority figure, you have a duty to yourself to demonstrate to them that unlike adult authority figures, they have no right whatsoever to act bigger than you.

No lecturing.  No talking down.  No violence whatsoever.  They have no power to do any of these things to you.

You do not have power over adult authority figures.  But you do have authority over yourself.  Over what you think, over how you act, and over whom you spend your time with.  You also have the power to set boundaries that anyone your age impersonating an adult authority figure cannot cross.

The very first step in this process is the knowledge that you are somebody.  You are here for a reason, you are valuable, you are important, you have something to say, and you are worthy of respect.  If you don't already believe this, allow these posts to provide you with a constant reminder to start believing it!  And that means a little bit of self-respect and healthy autonomy.

So let's get things started.  Repeat these words every morning when you wake up, and before you go to sleep at night.  Write them as notes in your phone and hang them as a poster on your wall.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

Make it a part of what you see and hear every day.  After you get used to it, you'll be more than halfway there!

A New Start For The Next Generation.

Hello and Welcome.

I've been there and I know what you're going through.  If you're anywhere between the ages of 12 and 21, and bullying has wreaked havoc on your world, you came to the right place.

I should mention that I am not a school psychologist, or even a non-school psychologist.  Not a social worker, not a law guardian, and it's for sure I'm no teacher either.  Instead, I'm a guy who used to be exactly where you are right now, and I can empathize.

In this post, and the ones following it, I will provide you with a program that will help you grow and improve your self-esteem.  I will provide you with the tools needed to build yourself a brand new you.  I will make you strong enough to say to what hurts you.  And most importantly, I'll show you to have fun with it!

Hopefully we can make a fresh start.  Actually, not we.  You.  You're here because someone is making you feel terrible about yourself.  Someone told you that you're lesser-than, not-good-enough, not-worth-it, or some other equivalent.  Someone thinks you deserve to be ridiculed and taken advantage of just because they feel like doing it.  Well guess what?  Someone obviously lied.  And you're going to prove them wrong.

In the coming weeks, I will discuss the Four Pillars:  I Exist, I Matter, I Belong, I Deserve.  When you begin living by those simple concepts, your life will change for the better.

Watch this blog.  Bookmark it if you choose.  Or simply Google the title of my name.  I'll be here.